If I were a kite, I would be a fiery red and tangerine ombre with hues of yellow

Like a sexy siren, I would blaze the sky setting it alight!

Soaring high, I would flirt with birds of all kinds

Flaunting my bright, eye-catching shades, I would tease them; seduce them to a game of who could fly higher, or swifter

I imagine myself singing and dancing in the free sky, basking in my carefree laughter; accompanied by other beautiful kites

I would be scared to go solo

My fellow kites are gorgeous – they display a rainbow of colours and come in all shapes and sizes

They don’t make me feel small

I’m a happy kite. Flying is euphoric. It tastes lustful and dangerously close to freedom

Could I really be that free though?

I’m not a kite with no strings attached

No, I’m not as wild as I imagine myself to be; I cannot fly aimlessly

I complain about the weight holding me down…

I’m held firmly to the ground by two pairs of watchful eyes. My babies. The wind beneath my wings

There’s a third one. An adult baby

This adult baby has always wanted to fly. But, I have made it his job to wield the string for me

I think he would rather I hold the string while he flies. High and mighty

As tiresome as it feels to be held down, I don’t know what’s scarier – snapping the string off and going solo, or, holding the string and playing God to our journey

Am I capable enough to face the winds, especially the turbulent ones?

Would I be able to steer the kite confidently in the direction I see as best?

Will the kite trust me?

What about the strings? Tough, knotted strings worry me. I want to look away

I guess it’s harder to be the string holder than be the kite

I want to be the kite. I want him to do the steering. It’s easy. It’s safe

I watch him sleep as he curls like a foetus in a womb. I look at our sky. Maybe, it wouldn’t be so bad to take turns so he could fly a bit, while I learn to hold the strings.

…

Sanobar Sabah, an Indian based in the UAE, discovered writing personal essays in her 40s. Humbled by two human babies as well as two feline ones, she finds comfort in coffee, croissants and stories. Her essays have recently been featured in Newsweek, Memoir Land, Ochre Sky Stories, FemAsia and Journal D’Ambroisie. She is usually found locking horns with patriarchy and the idea of perfection on Substack and Instagram.