Not blue / Dee

notblue

I caught
            sight
            of you
in
       the
ultra sound
and I keptitasecret
wearing you like a badge                  of honour
a son
blue
and
I
bought
                     blue
onsies bibs bath books
soothers crib
(just like my sisters in law in the states )
           and
a night light
blue
it
      threw stars
on the ceiling
and the walls
we were flying
across the black holes
and the galaxies
I felt invincible
pregnant and defiant
and so self assured
I forgot
blue is the color of wasted vigil
twice
blue is the color of all the toys
I keep giving away
to children who know
 how to play
or
        drive toy cars
blue
is the color of the sky the morning after I brought you home
the color
               of the cards
                    I received
           congratulations
as an extended metaphor
a hyperbolic suspension
of
time
in waitingformeforyouforme
blue is the sky
after a long
mournful night
or the night
after a tedium day
blue sanity peeping out of your shirt
sosnugsosmugsosure
of knowingmyunknowingmyknowingand now of not:

that night when you said

 I want to love you
for
the rest of my life
that night
the sky was not blue
the day the winter turned white
cold
bitter
gold
brittle
the sky was not blue
when you kiss my toesmyshinsmyanklesmyarches
the blue withers
and my lake ripples
the forest grows
and the colors burst
in a meteor of what could have been
but is not
and the colors are all there
not blue
not blue
not yet
not now
not ever
the galaxies
the stars
the grass in the lawn below
the jhumka bail
all sigh
not blue
not blue
not yet
not now
i trace the
corner
of yourlife in the foldsofmylife
the paint
lies
on
the f   l   o   o  r
of my daughter’s studio
and she mixes
a new
blue
it reeksofoldrooftopsbeingtorn
she mixes goldinto her newblue
permeating order
killingthebluethatkilled
a curve extends at the corner of herlipsofmylips
not blue
not blue
not yet
not now…

Dee is from Lahore, Pakistan. Loves dark nights and old trees.

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