Process it please in 3600 seconds / Dee

how does it make you feel
where is it settling
where do you feel the pain
in your body
can you touch that place ?
where is
the hurt
the anxiety
the sadness
the hurt
the incapacitating stillness
the lacking
the hurt
the point where
the pain enters
and there is
no
exit point
internalized
hmmm
I am trying to understand
but
it’s so choppy
there is so much gap
so many falls
dark spots
corners
crevices
blind spots
I can’t navigate
I can’t find a point of reference
there is
so much
and yet
I looked in the mirror
today
after I had my tick tock one hour
with you
and I saw
the size of my brain
looked like everyone else’s
and I
wondered:
how does it hold a lifetime in it
and why doesn’t it burst
splattering itself over the clean floor
ending the questions
the lack of punctuation
in my conversations
with you  disturb me disturb you…
my narrative is so beautifully
incoherent
we have lost coherence love
we are in unchartered territory I feel lost losing you losing me losing you not sure of what I was once so sure of so sure of so unsure of i hurting you hurting me
the more I want to
make it tangible for
myself for you myself
the more fragmented it is
becoming
the doubleplus good of 1984
so I am thrice removed from your perception I am an apparition i am oblivion you are at the periphery you walked away without letting go
I sit with my needle and thread and a patch of cloth
doing
undoing
me
neatly
it begins
our conversation
and I leave it all over
the floor of your empty office
three chairs
and bits  on the table
but
mostly I am spread all over that
clock
tick
tock
tick
tick
tick
tell me how it feels
to meet me meet you
so I map out
the topography of an honest conversation
and look at the clock
ticking away my
life experience
and the nerve pops
and I am conscious of
how it pulsates under my skin
above my brow
it’s a straight line
a little to the left
begins from the top of my head
and goes down
middle of my brow
the pulsating
vibrating reminder
of the places I have been
the push
the tug
the rapture
all lie under the skin
in this vein
this pivot
this focal point
me
the breeze picks up
the tree rustles
some old forgotten memory
I trace it you trace it I place it I trace it I place it in
the middle of the room
and we watch it together
I question it you pause
I listen to you listen to me
tick
tock
tick
tock
the air stifles stiffened stifle
for the moment when I gasp
for air
for closure
for an answer
that lies
at the tip of the needle
moving the clock
to end the session which never ends the session which never ends the session….

*jung takes notes from the memory of his conversations with his clients even today*  
*memory is the only place that remembers where the trauma settled in the body*
*that trauma has collateral damage to an individual’s entire life until it is heard by an authentic listener* 
*this piece is a dedication to all of us and to One where we all unite in pain in order to find our true exit from that pain* 
*never doubt the authenticity of Memory*

Dee is from Lahore, Pakistan. Loves dark nights and old trees.

 

 

Advertisements

One thought on “Process it please in 3600 seconds / Dee

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s